A man went to see his doctor.
“You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor said.
The man asked, “Why?”
The doctor replied, “Because I”m trying to examine you!”

A boy told his mom, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?”
His mom said, “Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.”
The boy replied, “Oh then you’re wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day.”

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.”
The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself […]

A bear goes to the drugstore:
- 50 condoms, please.
Two rabbits, standing in line behind him, were laughing their asses off. The bear sees them, turns around angry to the pharmacist and says:
- 52!

A couple, husband and wife, had a bad dog. So one day they decide to get rid of it. The husband gets into the car, drives a few blocks and then leaves the dog there. He comes back home and after a couple of hours surprise, the dog is at the door.
The second day the […]

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip!

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” she said.
“And you sir,” he […]

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman’s head.
“Yech!” says the woman. “Get some toilet paper.”
“What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.”